In A Daze

When there are too many choices it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and confused as to which direction I should go.  Today was quite the opposite, it was simply a day where choices felt slim and life played on the same drum I heard yesterday.  In the mundane of life my true colors come to light and this usually provides the space for me to see my true self.  At the same time, when I interact with others I notice how easy it is for my true self to go in hiding.  These actions are not necessarily unhealthy defense mechanisms guarding my precious ego, but it is also a sign of maturity as I am learning to control my emotions by not succumbing to their every whim.

 It is much like walking on a tight rope when I think about discerning motivation and desire.  “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9)   This verse has such negative implications – it starts with the negative and simply ends in mystery.  The hope that I have is that in some way I must believe that God has sent His Spirit within my heart and that He is good.  If He is good and His Spirit lives within me then by His nature He would only want the best for Himself and His purposes.  In the midst of all that chaos I fit in between the lines and God carries out His work.  If it was for me to understand then I am sure I would twist it, use it, and sell it for a profit.  Instead I must live life in the mundane realizing that I won’t fully understand why or how but that the questions that do arise are pertinent to my journey.  Somehow and truly only God knows – it does make sense.

In A Dry and Weary Land

In this season of my life I find my soul parched and thirsty.  I wander about desparately looking for something to hold on to.  Even when I am presented with things that once brought me pleasure I no longer feel that same satisfaction.  Is this part of growing up and learning to cope with loss, including the loss of feeling that comes from time to time?  Yet I still wake up in the morning feeling cheerful with that glimmer of hope that there is a new beginning just around the corner.  And I distinctly remember this optimistic feeling that has fueled my motivation for life over the years.  It is grounded upon the idea that life is full of new beginnings.  For the most part this congnitive process has proved itself to be true.  Feelings have shown themselves to be much more temporal than the fact that life does change and brings with it new surprises, new challenges, and of course new feelings.  I guess that this dynamic ride of life has caught me on the darkside of the mountain in this winter season.  The shadow is quite enormous and those rays of sun that once brought life to my aching bones is now eclipsed by the mountain that I fought so hard to climb.  Once in while I catch a ray of light that manages to peak its way through a crack in a large rock on the side of the hill, but those moments are only brief and only during the early morning hours.  The rest of the day I can hardly make out those magnificent rays of light that I can just barely see glimmering off the trees in the distant mountains.  Insecurities as well as hope rise up within me as I realize that the only way to get to this far off place is to take an unpaved road that is full of unknowns, new discoveries, and suffering that will only bring about new understanding in my journey in life.

There is so much a part of me that wants to end every story or every thought with a happy conclusion.  And I do know that there is good reason to do so, but often I have found that speaking in such terms does not always bring hope to a weary soul.   How do we end a thought knowing that there is hope that our situation will change and yet intentionally bear with another whose soul aches so deeply?   Not that there is an easy answer but for now this verse comes to mind:

 ”Let him sit alone in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him.  Let him bury his face in the dust – there may yet be hope.  Let him offer his cheek to one who strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace.  For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.  Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.  For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.” (Lamentations 3: 28-33)